Blah!

I’m having a really hard time finding my Center. And it’s driving me crazy. I’m basically a really happy person by nature. I’m all about the love, the joy, the bliss…

So when I feel exhausted and overwhelmed, it pisses me off and confuses me. By the evening, things really seem to start crashing in around me. I try so hard not to be a “cranky mommy”, and I hate to hear myself meet Em’s silliness with sternness or frustration. She likes to sing and dance *while* brushing her teeth and it takes forever for her to get her clothes all the way *into* the laundry bin… She is happy. What’s my stinking problem?

It’s probably largely hormonal… I suppose if she had a younger mommy, there might be issues with a second pregnancy or those youth-related hormones… She’s got a pre-menopausal mommy and that’s just the way it is.

Oh here’s a little bit funny thing. I was out yesterday and saw a book titled HOT in red letters. I thought, “oh, that must be a book about menopause!” But it was actually about global warming and environmental issues. Ah, ha, ha…. I thought that was funny. Then again, maybe I’ve discovered a deeper truth about the Earth, herself. Earth is just in menopause.

And now, here is the poem I wrote last night when I wanted to scream. I thank Lauren and her poetry challenge for helping me turn my whine into the beginning of a terrible poem. It made it more fun though and I found it less necessary to ramble on and on. It was oddly satisfying and actually relieved some of my angst. Please, don’t worry about me. I really am okay. But I do find myself saying this in my head when the overwhelm reaches a certain height (depth?)

“I’m not okay!”

that’s what I want to say.
I want to shout.

“I”M NOT OKAY”

but no one asks.
“are you okay?”

I feel like I”m drowning.
so exhausted from trying to keep my head above water.

I look around and see piles of “hope”…
barfed up everywhere.

a pile that is my jewelry business
a pile that is my homeopathy study
a pile for the crystal store,
a pile for healthy eating and cooking
a pile for exercise
and on and on…..

That’s as far as I got. Then it was time to read to the child. Luckily, daddy took the whole reading time and I dove into my own book.

I must say, I really like “barfed up hope”. That alone gave me a lift. It came from seeing all the messes around here that I can’t get around to cleaning and knowing that most of them are separate work spaces or “big ideas” that need tending. I just have too many. Far, far too many.

I can’t choose. It’s like asking me to choose a child to care for while I put the rest in storage. They all want to live.

However, something has to give.

Oh yeah and I just realized I have 3 weeks until Em’s birthday. I was so sure I’d be way ahead of it this year. I’ve been thinking about what to do for months and was determined to start making the party favors, her gifts, etc… way ahead.

Oh well, now is where I start making cuts. I know it will all work out. But… blah blah blah… so tired….

But you know what might be the hardest part about my “bottom”? It’s bouncy! I used to just wish I could hit bottom and rest there for a while. People don’t understand the trials that the optimist must face.

And that concludes this glimpse into the crowded house that is my mind. The fog bank? The fugue state?

]]> http://spiritgrooves.com/blog-therapy/feed/ 6 http://spiritgrooves.com/gratitude-april-round-up/ http://spiritgrooves.com/gratitude-april-round-up/#comments Thu, 09 May 2013 21:59:31 +0000 treepeters http://spiritgrooves.com/?p=4866

So, I’m a wee bit late. And aren’t I just so grateful that it doesn’t really matter. Gratitude doesn’t punch a time-clock! And now, I’ll let my little list tell the tale…

 The month started with a small miracle. In the form of the Gas company lady coming to the door when she didn’t have to and saving me $200 and lots of feeling stupid. I literally forgot to pay the bills since our move. I had everything on automatic payment at the old house and never got around to setting it up anew. She was dispatched to shut us off and that was all she had to do. Then I would have had to pay a fine and wait to be turned back on. Instead she knocked on the door and asked me if I wanted to pay the bill. For real, y’all.

The beginning of swimming season and this kid’s joy in the water. 

 My Gratitude box idea… I’ve got the year long Gratitude box going, as some of you may remember. I tend to forget and then do them in clumps, which I feel okay about. It’s all to the good and I’m not letting something good turn into a tool of self-torment or regret. But I did have this brainstorm that really each and every day I could put the same one thing in the box, “Em”, my girl. And how cool will that be for her at the end of the year to find 365 pieces of paper with her name on them? I’ve started doing it when I have time, in clumps. Different colors, different styles, scribbles… anything… just telling her that every single day I have been grateful for her. Won’t that be awesome?!! Then maybe we’ll make a big book or something and glue them all in.

Lauren at Lauren Wayne and Hobo Mama, for putting together the amazing poetry month. She made it such fun and so much easier to manage by creating prompts for every single day. That alone is an epic endeavor. I’m also so grateful for everyone who played/participated and those of you who read and/or commented on my poems. It got me writing in a way I haven’t disciplined myself to do for as long as I’ve been claiming to be a writer.

YOGA with Molly! I gifted myself with a private session with my wonderful friend and yoga instructor. It was amazing. She is amazing and I felt soooooo good afterward. Now to make time to get back for more.

Oh, I had a great time with my Etsy store. I had a little sale on pendulums and was rewarded with the best customer ever. She single-handedly made it my best month yet. She also left me the most wonderful feedback for each item. And she wasn’t my only sale(s), which was also nice. Flow… and movement are just so life-affirming.

These crazy little flowers that bloomed in our grass. I can’t tell you how happy they made me. I’m sure they’re some kind of weed, right? But I’ve never seen such perfect little pink flowers. I love them.

How about you? What happened in April, (or anytime) that made you smile, gave your spirits a lift or reminded you to be grateful? 

I’m in denial about this great month of poetry ending.
It has been only because of the motivation and incentive of this group that I’ve learned to buckle down and write when I’m not “feeling it.” I want to do it for myself from now on, and I will try.

Play: Getting down on your kids’ level and involving yourself in the serious, hilarious work of play is not only good for the soul — it’s good for a poem.

cobwebs
rusty bolts
iron bars

hindered
my ability
to play

But for her
I made my escape.

Imagination: Celebrate your child’s (or your) creativity.

I lived
in imagination
a hero
a goddess
a success

powerless

until she landed me
in my body
on this earth
in this life

and showed me
how to play.

Needs: What do your children need from you, or what do you need from them?

She needs me
(for a while)
to hold her kite-string

and I need
simply
to watch her fly.

Respect: In what ways do you respect your children?

I assumed
I’d feel
ownership

I made her
after all

then she was here

Herself

a being
unique
in all the world
a miracle
all her own.

Work: How does your family combine earning a living with raising children?

two parents
working from home
has given her
an entrepreneurial spirit

so that now
every time she twists
two pipe cleaners together
she wonders if she shouldn’t
open a store

Siblings: Write about those tumultuous, rewarding, exasperating relationships — your own experiences, your children’s, your hope for your family size, or stopping at an only.

my child wanted
a sister

my sister
had a child

now my girl
and her girl
are sisters

Learning: Children learn without trying. Peer into their active, fertile minds.

Born brilliant

un-squashed

listen
and you’ll understand

watch
and you’ll see

the secrets of the universe
played out
with a doll
a twig
and a bottle-cap.

This was my week to feel like I couldn’t capture my muse or get into a flow at all. Eventually, I did like some of the ideas or parts of things. It’s hard to publish like this, but the great thing is that if I didn’t then I may just shuffle them to the bottom of a pile and never ever consider them again. Now that they’re here, there’s a chance I really will work on them more.

I really don’t know how to properly “critique” poetry, but if anyone wants to tell me more specifically what works and doesn’t work for them, please feel free. Turns out I like writing poetry and would like to get better at it. (Thanks Lauren!)

Partners: Write a love (or anti-love) poem to your co-parent, or the one you’re missing.

All my hard work
building walls

impenetrable
invisible
secure

Obliterated
in an instant

when we met again
25 years later

already inside
my walls

he was loved by a girl
of 13

Birthdays: Big celebration or family party, how do you remember this important anniversary?

the idea of a half birthday
when introduced
to an adult

is a joy

childhood magic
restored

when begun
as an event
with a 4 year old
it becomes a right
another
entitlement

this is how
4 year olds
ruin stuff
for 40 year olds.

Faith: How does the spiritual intersect your parenting?

Oh. My. God.

Don’t say God
around her

we haven’t decided
what we’ll say

which stories
we’ll tell

raised catholic
harumph!

we’d seen too much
knew ugly truths
about organized religion

we had to let it go

went spiritual
…seeking

love is the all that is
man

small person arrives
needs her workbook
the framework
to get her through

now I recall
Jesus
my friend

God was always
too dad-like
a bit judgy
and punishing

Jesus was my pal
just a kid like me
with a scary dad
who loved him

not in easy ways.

Discipline: What does discipline mean to you and your family? How is gentle parenting going for you in the trenches?

old school
no way to understand
gentle + discipline

we went with gentle
forgot the discipline

now we struggle
with boundaries
and with
teaching her
she’s not in charge
while not squashing her spirit
her HUGE spirit

and we save
for therapy

Why: What big questions from your children have you been terrified and privileged to answer?

ready since day one
for the Big Questions
excited to face them
to guide her

Who is God?
What is Death?
Babies?
Is Santa true?

Nothing
not really

Until the day
she came home from school
and asked us,
“Did Darth Vadar
kill Obi Wan Kenobi?”

What?!!!
Who told you that?
Who would do such a thing?
You’re only 5!
The humanity…

We didn’t know how
to protect her
from that one.

Image: How have you come to terms — or not — with your body’s shape and functions now that you’re a parent?

I had to give up
hating my body

4 weeks with child
I stood naked
in front of a mirror

unwilling
to feed my child
disregard for self

unable to hate
the body
that held her

needing to look
with new eyes
at my shape
my flesh

allowing myself
to see beauty
in every curve

even the lumpy ones.

Defense: How have you had to defend your parenting to others?

battles with my own parents
fighting for my right
to be me
make my own choices
different from theirs

long over

one parent gone
one past judging

this new mommy
too old to worry
what anyone thinks.

The other Dog we watched for a few days: Scooter

Came across these photos just as I was thinking maybe we could just wait a while…

This girl needs a dog. A dog who can take a LOT of lovin’

Milestones: Celebrate your baby’s development or a turning point that struck you with wonder.

Wise enough to know
that each new marvel
no matter how incredible
would be lost
swept aside
by the next
amazing feat

we captured
some
not all

they came so fast
and each new phase

just her
in all her brilliance

hard to imagine
our child of that moment
would soon
bloom again
into yet another
unique
and miraculous
flower

Arms: Write a poem about holding or carrying your baby.

her legs still pulled up
to her belly
so small
tucked in beside me
my body, my arm
form the bumper
of her baby bed
our bed
our family bed

her face
in mine
I breathe her breath
her sighs
her funny little sleep laughter

always amazed
at what I would have missed
what I would not have
gotten to soothe

I never knew all the turns
a baby could travel
in her sleep.

Often peaceful
(joy for me)

at times
distressed
so sad or mad

my honor
to pull her closer
in my arms
to lay my hand
on her small back
and tell her
right when she needed it
“it’s okay.
you’re safe.
I’m here.
I’ve got you.”

Pottytunity: As parents, we all have to deal with what comes out that end. Celebrate cloth diapers, expound about EC, moan over potty learning, or wax eloquent on poop.

with a will
of IRON
and a focus
to rival
warriors of myth
she faced each battle
unrelenting

immovable
by reason
or plea
her mother’s tears

she shed her own
no less fierce
for their salty flow

her body twisting
and thrashing

she screams out
from the depth of her soul

NOOOOOO

I WILL NOT

GO

POOP!

and you can’t make me

Dreams: What do you hope for as a parent?

having lived
my life
in dreams
never made manifest

I will teach
my daughter

to wake

and bring her passions
into the light

I will ask her
perhaps not the content
of her dreams
(for that may be
too sacred
at first to share)

but what tools
do you need
my daughter?
anything you need
to build
the life you wish
for yourself

we will do anything
in our power
to help you
live your dreams

that is our dream
for you

Minivan: What in your lifestyle has changed since becoming a parent? What have you gained or given up?

it’s hard for a hermit
to parent well

and while anxiety
and fear
got me out of parties
and dating and adventure,
family events, even jobs

my anxiety, it seems
is not sufficient
to let myself fail
to share with my child
the wonders of this world
(often found outside)

So, look at me
socializing
making friends
and having adventures

how kind of my girl
to teach me
how to live.

Village: Consider the outside caregivers in your child’s life, or the lack thereof.

“No One is going to take care of my baby
but me!”
said the new mommy
all hopped up on love
and feeling invincible
and cocky
for having just brought forth life
from her body.

some part of her
conscious
that it happens every day
a common thing

but that is
insignificant
in the face of her power
and her own miracle
one girl child
hers.

months pass
and soon
the face of power
becomes one of gratitude
near tears of relief
that grandmommy
waited patiently
for the call to come

and then she came

grandmommy

Identity: Who are you now that you’re a parent? How do you introduce yourself at parties? How do you define yourself in your own head?

6 years old:
“when I grow up I’m going to be a mommy”
at 8
“a teacher and a mommy.”
-12
“an actress and a mommy.”
-24
“a doctor and a mommy”
-33
“a writer. I’m a writer.
oh yes, I will be a mommy someday.
it’s not too late.”
-38
“you have one year
and if we’re not doing this,
I have to move on.
I’m going to be a mommy.
tick tock.”
-42
“a mommy, a mommy,
I’m a mommy.
I
am
MOMMY.”

-48
“huh?
hmmmmmm….
yeah.
a mom, of course
and well,
…a girl

I’m a girl
a woman
a goddess
and I’ll do lots more things
before I’m done.”

The wonderful Alisha, who never stops smiling and laughing. 

Showing Em how she looks in there with a mirror.

Showing her how the tools work. This, I believe, was Mr. Tickle or Mr. Swirlie, or something.

The View from the Room

Just cuteness. She loved it. Wanted to go back again. 

]]> http://spiritgrooves.com/wordless-wednesday-the-dentist/feed/ 2 http://spiritgrooves.com/tis-the-night-before-dieting-a-very-silly-poem/ http://spiritgrooves.com/tis-the-night-before-dieting-a-very-silly-poem/#comments Wed, 17 Apr 2013 09:06:49 +0000 treepeters http://spiritgrooves.com/?p=4920

a very silly poem, and a true story

Tis the night before dieting
And all through my house

not a carb is left standing
not for my child or my spouse

by the time I am lying,
so stuffed, in my bed
I have visions of skinny me
dance (yes, dance) in my head

with chicken and veggies
prepared in the fridge
I wait for the morning,
this thing to begin.

When deep in my brain
a voice starts to chatter
“there’s cookies in dough form,
you thought wouldn’t matter!”

Away to the kitchen
I fly like a flash
pull open the freezer,
dig down to my stash.

Though frozen and aging the dough it does shine
and I know if I try it, it will taste fine
When what to my salivary glands does appear,
but another old hideout filled with chocolate reindeer
Am I going to make myself sick as a dog?
Or can I retreat and not be a fat hog?

I’ve tried all the diets that ever have been
The good ones and bad ones, and ones in between.
Tried fasting, tried eating, with juices; lean meats
tried doping and hoping and chemical treats,
Oh Atkins, Oh South Beach, HCG involved needles
My Weight Watchers points overspent on burritos.
Medifast shakes make me gag just to think on
But tomorrow I say that the fat will soon be gone.

This time I will nourish my body and mind
with diet and exercise- my the bottom line
I’ve got it all figured, proof in the pudding will be…

Did someone say pudding?
No proof pudding for me.
I don’t want it, don’t need it
I’m dieting you see.

I’m bringing this up again as a reminder, and also to share my method for FINALLY never missing another chance to help out a fellow blogger by using their affiliate link. Even after joining with Lauren at HoboMama and making a big to-do before the holidays and making lots of cute buttons and a nice linky list of links… I kept forgetting to actually go through someone’s link to shop at Amazon.

Maybe it’s because it isn’t fun to have to go find that linky list every time or maybe it just impedes my shopping impulse and God forbid I might think better of it!

From that original post: …by simply going to Amazon through a link on another blogger’s page, anything you end up buying at that time will go toward their affiliate rewards. And it won’t have changed you prices or shopping experience in any way!!  Please note that the most important time to use one of these links is just before you check out. If you click through and fill a shopping cart, but don’t get back to it for over 24 hours, the credit will be lost. So think in terms of linking as part of the Checkout process.

So my solution was to change the address in my permanent bookmark in my toolbar to someone’s affiliate link. Ta da! Didn’t ever have to think about it again. For me, it’s the only way. Added bonus that you don’t need to think about making sure to use a link during checkout, etc… (as stated above), because it’s just automatic.

And now, in a very poor imitation of a tutorial, I will attempt to show you how I do it in Chrome. I wanted to be as great at this as Lauren is, and maybe show you how to do it for all the main browsers.. but alas, I am not good at that. I think it’s similar in all. I know it is in Firefox.

You can also use an add-on toolbar. Just google “bookmark toolbar” and whatever browser you have. And if anyone actually wants help with this, I will help you set it up. Just let me know. I really think it’s worth it. I had chosen just one link for my experiment and recently checked with the particular affiliate/blogger friend. She said that she did notice more activity.. So, let’s say it makes a difference. Heck it all adds up, right?

First you go to Amazon through someone’s link. You can find them here on my site, and here at HoboMama. Next, you select the Bookmark menu and select “Bookmark this page”

which brings you to this little box. I shorten the “name:” to simply “Amazon” to save room in my toolbar. You also want to make sure that the “Folder:” says Bookmarks Bar

I just added two more Amazon page links in my bar. They each are a different person’s affiliate link. I decided I don’t need to know which is which, but you could always name them so that you’d know. I do use Amazon quite a lot. My plan is to switch them out periodically and really spread the love. But at least this way, even if I don’t get around to that, I’m still doing something good for someone when I shop.

And that is my clunky tutorial and this is my plea… don’t waste those Amazon dollars you spend. Our linky is still active and if you have your own affiliate account, please feel free to link up. I know I still go there and use it. Hopefully other people do too.

I also really encourage anyone interested in learning more about affiliate links and how to use them, to visit Lauren’s writer blog, here for her post, “9 tips for affiliate earning success“. It’s incredible.

]]> http://spiritgrooves.com/bookmark-that-affiliate-link/feed/ 0