Did you ever have one of those moments where everything feels so huge and so far out of your control that you just want to crumble right to the ground?
Where concepts like “reality” and “normal” and “life” are more confusing than comforting?
Where all the people who love you don’t add up to one person you feel like you can reach out to and get the exact thing you need?
Where you feel so alone…
But since there is no time to let any of that slow you down, you just carry on and do what has to be done in the moment: you feed the people you’ve committed to feed and nurture those same ones. You run on adrenaline for another 12 hours or 12 days until that moment comes again and everything that’s too big for you to carry on your own starts to crush you again?
And then do you remind yourself that you’re making mountains out of mole-hills and that your problems are so small compared to people who truly suffer with health or poverty or loss?
Do you start counting your blessings because you are truly blessed? And do you find that even though that helps your spirit to know there is light and joy and ease right around the corner, you are still struggling to breathe under the weight of the task at hand?
Do you ever think that if only you were stronger, you could do better? And do you blame yourself for your lack of strength?
I do. Every day sometimes. At some point in each day it all sweeps over me like an energy tsunami. It can be one little thought, like a bill that should have been paid yesterday, or a promise that was unkept 20 years ago. And in that moment I want to cry out loud that it’s all too much for me and that I can’t do it, I just can’t do it.
But then the moment passes and I continue on and I find a way. So far I’m getting those pesky things done before anything really troublesome happens. And I am beyond blessed with the help I do have. And because my brain chemistry allows me to, I can let it go and enjoy all the other moments.
I know how lucky I am. But man, those moments….